Today, I find myself in a slump..again. It comes every 3-4 months. Like clockwork. I know when it is brewing, because I find myself saying “FML” and “I hate my life”. I drop something on the floor– it’s automatically “FML!” that comes out of my mouth. Most of the time, I make it out to be a thing that warrants a laugh or a smile from others- but deep down- I sort of actually mean it. The first time that I realize that I am saying it- my anxiety takes over. I automatically worry- wondering just how bad this depression is going to be this round. How deep will I go? Days will go by and each and everytime that I say it, I mean it more and more. “I hate my life” slips off my tongue so easily when another call light goes off at work, or I get a new order from a doctor. A week in, I begin making a gun gesture and putting it up to my head and acting as if I am blowing my brains out. People laugh. I smile. But, deep down- I am scared out of my mind. By this time, I am usually tired from all the sleepless nights given in to worry. Or, tired from all the days that I spend sleeping in, only to wake up hating myself for not getting things done that day. Regardless, I am flat out exhausted mentally and emotionally. And, as a nurse, I am expected to take care of others. I barely want to take care of myself- let alone a patient. Every single person gets on my nerves. Someone comes to work happy and energetic, And all I want to do is ignore them and loathe in my own miserable corner and Just make it through the day. But- it never fails that that one upbeat person preys on me. You would think someone that is all happy- would be more attracted to those that let off the same vibe. But-no. They always like to come to me and try to “make me smile”. It doesn’t work for them, and it doesn’t work for me. I just have no patience for that crap! I make it very known that they made a huge mistake talking to me. I Don’t crack a smile. And those confrontations only end with me in an even more sour mood for the day. Thanks a lot happy people! Now-please know- I am not fully evil. Inside- I do feel bad for being so mean. But- I honestly cannot help it. I do not believe it when people say that you can make your day whatever you want it to be. Or, that you can change your attitude towards the day. For me- my depression does not allow it. And for all them positive, happy people that try to tell me that when I am depressed- it actually makes me feel even worse. I feel bad for being so rude. And I question myself.. “Why can’t I be like them?” and “Why can’t I just be normal?” and “Why me?!” These thoughts just make me feel worse about myself. “I am a horrible person” “People think I am mean and heartless and bitter- so why would anyone want to be my friend.. or love me” and “I am worthless” and “I hate myself” and “I hate my life”. Then- I just want to separate myself from everyone and just be alone. And being alone isn’t the best for anyone. Especially with depression.
Tonight- I find myself alone in my home.. my future ex husband (I know, I have some explaining to do) and two kids are here… but I am alone. Two days ago I took down my Facebook so that I wouldn’t have to scroll through the lives of happy families and people my age doing things that I wish I could do. And, now I am debating blocking my sister and all of her kids,so I do not have to look at all the things they are doing with the large lump sum of money that she just received, yet didn’t even care to give me money for the week I let her stay at my house with her family of 7! All the countless amounts of times that I have sent her money- bought her and her kids things- and been there for her. But, I play no role in her life now, do I? I have managed to run off the only person that has ever been here for me during my depression episodes. And my so called best friend of 25 years, only wants to talk to me when she needs help. I’ve alienated everyone this past week.
When it rains, it pours, huh?
So- I know my cycle. I know the plays. Now, it’s a matter of ending it on a good note. I’m still here, so I guess I’ve gotten through it so far. But- now.. to see how many people I hurt. How deep I go. How alone I realize that I am. And how alone I will be when I make it through. And, Of course- there is always that lingering thought- will I make it through? That always weighs on my mind because- I know that depression is serious and real and there is always the chance of suicide. I know my thoughts and how dark they can become at times. I do not have anyone to talk to, but I feel a little bit better after writing this blog post. Score!